dealing with anxiety at school

so i try to avoid popping xanaxes at school so i have a few techniques for not being a gigantic mess constantly.

  1. always double check before doing something
  2. make to do lists
  3. always walk in an inconspicuous way
  4. avoid authority figures
  5. try to stay near dress code
  6. travel in a group
  7. ask for passes before going in the halls
  8. never arrive late
  9. keep your items in bags so you can keep track of a pencil bag instead of 10 pencils
  10. talk to your teachers if a very polite manner so you don’t upset them

these don’t know the point of this post. hope my uncreative tips help.

i was a ball of anxiety today so this seems relevant.

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returning to school part 2

i don’t know how people do this every day.

i’m so exhausted i can’t fathom it. it’s so loud everywhere and a lot is expected of you. all in all my interpersonal experiencees have been fine but i’ve just felt like a fish out of water.

i don’t know how i’m going to keep up with my blog while doing school but i’m going to do my best.

i’ll surely update you at the end of the week to let you know just how my first week back went.

returning to school part 1

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i’m in a spiraling pit of anxiety.

i’m finally returning to school today and i’m a nervous wreck.

i’m so worried about how everyone will treat me, especially my teachers. i don’t really know what to say but i’ll be updating you on ow my day went when i get back home.

i just hope nobody makes a big deal about me being back (despite how much i love being the center of attention). and what if my teachers toss me a gigantic stack of work once i’m back! good god that’d be terrible. i’ve already been spending all of my time studying and doing homework to catch up and i wont have all the time i’ve had once i’m stuck in this prison for 8 hours a day.

the wrong side of history

yesterday i watched a video by unnatural vegan and it made me think about who i think will be on the wrong side of history.

so here’s a list:

  • transphobes
  • aggressive anti-vegans
  • extreme capitalists
  • people with outdoor cats
  • trophy hunters
  • the people who are trying to privatize clean water
  • people who think police brutality is a nonissue
  • reddit white supremacists
  • white supremacists in general
  • people who hold unnecessary disdain for children (and that’s coming from me: a person who doesn’t particularly like being around kids 24/7)
  • school administrators who don’t make effort to provide adequate free lunches to less fortunate children
  • anyone who calls overweight people lazy just because they’re overweight
  • people who still wear fur
  • those who want mined jewels instead of lab created
  • whoever decided that seaweed snacks should be in giant bulky plastic trays
  • people who are against all plastic surgery
  • people who refuse to ever give money to the homeless
  • people who buy wild caught exotic animals
  • anyone that makes eating disorder jokes (that aren’t self depricating)
  • dudes that shoot squirrels with BB guns
  • people who keep burmese pythons in 100 gallon fish tanks
  • people who blindly hate rodents (they’re a backbone of the ecosystem!)
  • people who use sticky traps to catch lizards and mice
  • wasps (the bugs not white anglo saxon protestants)
  • those who are against public breastfeeding
  • people who equate pale with pure

 

heres a few beliefs i have that i think could be on the wrong side of history

  • allergy discrimination is a thing but its not that big of a deal when someone makes fun of allegies
  • i like to pet/feed wild animals like squirrels
  • music needs to all become digital because records and cds produce a ton of waste
  • its ok to buy secondhand leather goods even if you’re vegan
  • its ok to say you hate things
  • its fun to shop at certain stores even though the stuff was probably made in sweatshops
  • i get jealous of other people and even though it makes me feel bad i don’t think jealousy is wrong
  • secular gospel needs to be a thing
  • enriched cereal > “natural, organic” cereal
  • aldi has wonderful guacamole

ED Recovery Update #4

i’m doing pretty decent.

i was at the hospital with my mom as she got surgery and i managed to eat 3 meals while i was there the whole day and ate other meals at decent times. i didn’t eat “perfect meals” but i was relatively limited as my food source was a hospital food court. i still feel like this was an accomplishment and i should feel proud.

i have to schedule meals when i take adderall because it absolutely obliterates my appetite.

i’ve been getting cravings recently which is pretty cool.

i take probiotics now which is new and i think they make me get stomachaches but i’ll update you on that again later.

here’s a picture of peanut sitting on my clothes before my they get put up

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going out to eat

i’ve conquered a fear.

for my whole life i’ve been mildly terrified of going out to eat, but recently i went out to eat and i wasn’t scared leading up to it and the experience wasn’t bone chilling like it’s been in the past.

to even further improve on this is was able to eat without shame and ate until i felt fullness cues then stopped!

i even enjoyed my leftovers.

just wanted to brag.

teen angst

the idea of teen angst is a little aggravating to me.

i think this concept that teenagers have angsty feelings because they’re teenagers is a little patronizing. i feel like my angst is pretty justified and so is the angst of other teenagers. it’s important to note when discussing teens that in your youth the defining characteristic of the time period is that you are experiencing firsts so while, yes, crying for days after a breakup is a lot, it is likely the first time that the teen has dealt with that issue.

 

that being said here’s some angst for you.

 

i feel very unattractive.

please don’t take this as an opportunity to compliment me because that isn’t what this post is for.

as a person who compares themselves to everyone they meet it’s hard to imagine that anyone would find me attractive, beautiful, cute, or any semblance of good looking when people like beyonce and seulgi from red velvet exist. i know that love isn’t limited but it feels like it is honestly and i wish i didn’t compare myself to everyone but i do.

 

it’s important to note, however, that i don’t compare every aspect of myself to others. i only compare looks. that makes me feel like i’m a super vain person and like i’m mean to others but honestly i’ve never met a person who i think is physically less attractive than me and that’s an awful feeling when life is like a competition and you’re losing. personality wise i think i’m A1 but looks wise i think i fall far below average and i know i shouldn’t compare myself to others but i do and i’ve tried to stop for years and i can’t find a way to.

yes, there’s more to life than looks but it feels like that’s my biggest inadequacy so of course i’ll obsess over looks.

the one thing i wish i got out of ed treatment is a way to stop this.

 

if you’ve had this issue please help me because i don’t know how to feel better.

here’s a picture of a lizard i saw the other day

IMG_6333